my karass & imposter syndrome.

tuesday, july 18th, 2023.

This word, "karass," rattles around my mind this morning. It's one of Kurt Vonnegut's coining, and in the dictionary of my mind is defined as a superset of my "tribe." That is, it's the set of folks to which I find myself inexplicably linked but aren't necessarily part of my chosen family.

One of my friends mentioned that a hope of his was to live somewhere with a water reclamation system— a desire borne of the news of droughts and record-setting temperatures we're experiencing these days.

As often occurs, this unlocked some memories of mine— of participating in the Merveilles community on Mastodon and seeing folks building things to wean themselves off of technology, or at least learning how to live a little more self-sufficiently.

It's been half a year since I deleted my Mastodon account, and thus severed my direct link to many of the Merveilles folks. I am better off for it, on the whole, but not because of the people but rather because of the medium. I miss participating in the conversations there, but I also had this niggling feeling that I didn't quite belong.

Generally, I sympathize with the goals of self-sufficiency and reducing the ecological burden I place on the world. But also: I find myself appreciating the conveniences of modern society often enough that I feel guilt about it. It is a strange mix of emotions, to want less and take more simultaneously and feel torn about it.

I find comfort in the digital bread and circuses of our day and don't want to self-flagellate for every modern convenience I accept. At the same time, I do want to learn how to do things for myself and do them in a way that is more sustainable.

What a perverse dichotomy!

One thing I really appreciate about my chosen family is that we all strive to better ourselves, to know ourselves better, and to bring together who we wish we were and who we are. But we allow ourselves to falter, to be human, in a way that is difficult to be on the public-facing social media du jour.

It is in these spectres of unlocked memories that the FOMO is strongest. Captivated by these memories, I wish I hadn't deleted my Mastodon account.

Still, I believe that leaving that platform was the right decision for me. I am, on the whole, better off for not watering the seeds of cognitive dissonance and imposter syndrome. Even though I agree with the message, the medium is best left untouched.

Well, I have reached the bottom of my cup of coffee, it is time to pack my bicycle and get ready for the ride to work, and that is quite enough pontificatin' for the morning!

Until next time, be well! :)